It's my birthday today and I asked my dear husband if I could spend a little time "away" to write a blog. My version of "away" turned out to be on my couch with noise cancelling head phones on while the rest of my family watches a movie in the same room. I could retreat to a less distraction oriented location, but alas, I don't like to miss out on stuff (especially on my birfday) and the intensity of the quiet is just too much to take sometimes...so this works.
I apologize to those of you who have been following our family so closely on facebook or the blog as we fumbled our way through the last few months of surgical festivities with Emri. I did, in fact, fall off the face of the earth when we finally arrived back home. By "falling off the face of the earth" I mean I crashed. Crashed head-on into the hard, cold wall of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion. Although sweet relief and immeasurable thankfulness are most definitely a thing as we, clumsily at times, establish our new "normal" back here, at home, I struggle with the substantial weight of what just happened.
These past few months have brought about many firsts for me. Never, ever have I felt the fragility of Emri's life so near and so real. We have been through what feels like entire lifetimes of medical misery with our dear girl, and yet I've never felt quite so helpless as a mother or seen Emri quite so sick. I've never witnessed Emri's spirit so weak, face so pale, or body so frail. I've never felt my heart sink so painfully low, and I've never before heard my words of "comfort" sound so hollow or feel so miserably futile. My body has never suffered so much neglect as I spilled out all that I had to care for my incredibly sick child. I've never felt so weak, so tired, so desperate, so sad, or so weary. I've never contemplated so deeply, loved so entirely, or cried so violently.
I've also never been so thankful. I've never been so relieved to leave the hospital with my living, breathing, tired little girl. I've never hugged my children so long and so hard. I've never felt so much happy sweep over my body as my family reunited after the longest time apart. I've never had a more thankful Thanksgiving. I've never come to a deeper realization that without Christ, hope is truly lost. I've never clung to the sovereignty of God so tightly and I've never pleaded with God so passionately or thanked him so profoundly. I've never had to rely so heavily on the truths and promises of Scripture and I've never had more motivation to teach my children truth, to shine Christ to whoever I may cross paths with, and to pray earnestly that the story of hope that I share may be used to encourage the saved and to save the lost.
Reading the two paragraphs above, you might perceive how difficult it would be to answer the seemingly simple question of, "So, how are you doing?" The honest answer is complex, but easily broken down. When I am inside of myself, thinking my own thoughts, and ignoring what I know to be true, the answer is simply, "Well, I'm quite miserable, thank you for asking." OR, you may never get the opportunity to ask me that question because I am in hiding, attempting to figure out how I can escape any and every interaction with anyone ever again. When left to myself, my thoughts lead me so promptly to a dark place. A place I have allowed myself to go many times. A place where depression, anxiety, and hopelessness shroud truth and seem to swallow me whole. A place where an escape feels so awfully unattainable. But truth prevails. Truth ALWAYS prevails.
When my thoughts lead me to feel afraid, alone, or hopeless God says...
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. "
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. "
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. "
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
I could go on and on and on...but let's end with MY FAVORITE VERSE EVER BECAUSE I NEED IT EVERY DAY...
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I fail so often to rest in God and the peace he so freely offers me because I allow my heart to be deceived by the lies that the devil so desperately wants me to believe. But God's promises remain and I continually run back to them as I realize, once again, that I have not actively taken my thoughts captive and replaced the lies with truth. Every thought I have should be followed by questions. Is this thought based on truth? Does it line up with what God tells me? If not, it is not from God and not worth my time.
That's where I'm at right now. I'm coming out of an all-too-familiar dark place. A place I have gone far too often as I process the trauma of going through really hard things with a really sick kid. While held to the flame, I have no choice but to cling to hope. When released from the intense heat of the flame, my weariness leads me to become spiritually lazy which is no good at all. It's a vicious cycle that I hope to put to death as I continue down this path God has chosen for my life.
I sometimes feel guilty even talking about my own struggle when thinking about Emri and the unthinkable physical pain and suffering she has endured....but that is her story to tell, and I pray God uses her big, big story in big, big ways some day.
Since we have been home, Emri has ever-so-slowly been making progress. By making progress I mean things like sitting up for longer periods at a time without her face turning white, being off of pain meds for an entire week, knee walking a little each day without severe leg pain, desiring to eat small amounts by mouth (like half a tortilla) and wanting to play for a few minutes at a time with her siblings. Laying in a hospital bed for two months and enduring two major surgeries along with 3 additional chest tube placements was a really big deal for Emri. I imagine it would be a really big deal for anyone, but for Emri, with all of the "complicatedness" that is her body, you can maybe imagine how bonkers her body went after it all went down. She has just been so worn. So progress HAS been slow, but in just the last week Emri has walked holding on to the kitchen counter twice. It was beautiful and emotional and the whole family beamed with pride brighter than the sun as we watched her be all courageous and strong. I will try to post a progress video on facebook soon so that you all can beam too.
It's hard to remember life before all of the Baltimore fun, but one big, important, really marvelous thing happened about 10 months ago that I know I have not yet blogged about. We had another KID!!! What an INCREDIBLE GIFT this little nugget is to our family. Eiley Noelle Van Andel entered this world at 37 weeks and 6 days after a very, very, very long and arduous 9 months of pregnancy. Every pregnancy has been very difficult for me as I get SO sick and become really, very useless as a human being which is problematic when you are, in fact, a mother to three other children. You know what's funny though?? The second that sweet, beautiful little soul locked eyes with me, I wanted to do it all over again. The experience of becoming a mother to another soul is unreal and feels much too good to be true every singe time. I have had the unique privilege of becoming a mother through biological means and through adoption, and although becoming an insta-mother to a toddler presents different challenges, the euphoria is the same.
Eiley has been my most easy-going baby, which is really great, because she really hasn't had much of a choice in the matter. I had the privilege of nursing her until I had to leave her and the boys with Brett's parents as we embarked on our Baltimore journey with Emri. I had planned to continue nursing her when we returned home, but apparently big-time stress messes with milk supply. Eiley is now chunking up quite nicely on formula and continues to be the happiest baby there ever was. She's really a very funny baby and the funny part is that she seems to know when she is being funny, which we all think is funny. She is just recently mastering the infamous "fit"---which for now is a little bit hilarious if I'm being honest, as she throws herself backward in an attempt to alert me to the fact that she is indeed, displeased regarding her current life circumstances. I always wonder how babies come to the conclusion that flailing their little bodies all over the place communicates dissatisfaction...we may never know.
The boys continue to eat and grow at an alarming rate and I feel as if Abe might be looking me in the eye much too soon for my liking. Abe turned 7 at the end of October and remains the most empathetic, charming little man. This whole surgery thing with Emri was hard on his little heart and was evidenced by the fact that every time we face-timed from the hospital, and he saw Emri hooked up to all the things, he had to look away from the screen. He also had to leave the hospital room every time Emri was in pain while he was in Baltimore with us. He has such a huge heart and can't stand to see those he loves struggling. He is my animal adoring clone and LOVES to learn ALL the things about animals and plants. He enjoys playing lego with Emri and Jaemin, animal/insect figurines, and also being ALL BOY with his brother.
Jaemin is our energizer bunny and keeps us on our tippy-toes always! He just turned 6 in November. He LOVES playing with baby Eiley and takes his role as big brother very seriously. It is funny for me to see a kid who doesn't EVER stop moving, pause as often as he does to love on his baby sister. School is not his favorite YET, but we are working on tuning in to his learning style and rolling with it. He is a smart little cookie, but patience and sitting still is not his strong suit! We are going to have to get a little creative to find some solutions for his fidgety little bum. Jaemin also enjoys playing lego with Emri and Abe, anything relating to ninjas or TMNT (kid's got some MOVES), and wrestling with his big brother.
Brett is busy catching up on work after two months away. We are so grateful that he has the opportunity to be his own boss, since our life is a little on the "insanely unpredictable" side. Brett has yet to advertise his services because he has been TOO BUSY to need to advertise. He thoroughly enjoys being an architect and is so thankful to be doing what he loves.
We are still in the process of remodeling the old water tower on our property. We are turning the water tower into a 3 story tiny house in hopes to make it into a VRBO or Airbnb type of situation. I look forward to sharing the befores/afters of this project---it's been quite the undertaking and my brother-in-law Daniel has been doing an AMAZING job tackling this new project.
I continue to homeschool Emri, Abe and Jaemin and have just recently felt like we are "back in the groove" so to speak. Yes, it's difficult to homeschool three different ages and care for a busy-bee baby, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I love having the opportunity to teach my children the important things in life like how to love each other like Christ loves us and the not-as-important things like how many squirrels there are in the tree if there are 11 branches with 3 squirrels in each branch. Every day is a new opportunity to raise these precious souls as God calls me to. There are days I fail wretchedly and want to send everyone to boarding school and drink coffee alone in my bedroom instead, but there are more days where I truly treasure the time I get to spend with my children and revel in the opportunity God has granted me to raise them up to Lord willing, become vessels for His good purposes.
There you have it people. A birfday blog...written with love and thankfulness to all those who actually take the time to read it all. May 2020 bring even more growth, more love, more diligence, and maybe more babies (just kidding, I think).
Here are a few more pics of my dear children because I really like them (my children and the pictures).
